On Tuesday, April 12, an anonymous tip suggesting suspicious behavior on campus led The Calabasas Courier staff to the lecture hall during professional development. Upon entering, the room was completely dark. Suddenly, a bell rang and a spotlight flashed down on the hazy figures below, revealing the outlines of riled-up faculty members awaiting a battle. Several boxing rings laid in the middle of the floor–in them, CHS faculty members displayed unmatched animal instinct. English I Honors and English IV AP teacher Diane McEvoy, world geography, economics and AP Government teacher Lance Novak, AP Human Geography, world history and United States history teacher Emily Fillmore and AP Statistics and guided studies teacher Michael Charles Fienberg battled it out for the supreme title of “Teacher of the Year.” The reward: the ability to choose one’s own class rosters. The events of Tuesday revealed an immense oversight to students—professional development is not a time for faculty members to train for educational purposes; instead, the hour-long meeting is actually a world-class fight club. The participants are highlighted below:

Diane “The Ironmaiden” McEvoy

Reigning champion since 1983, McEvoy’s speed and strength allow her to take down her opponents with a single roundhouse. As she is retiring this year, much speculation has arisen as to who will take her place. Still, McEvoy is not leaving without a fight.

Stats: 995-0

Signature Move: The Poetry SLAM

Lance “The Bald Eagle” Novak

Never truly gaining ground, Novak entered the 2015-2016 school year with high hopes of bringing down his mortal enemy, Diane “The Ironmaiden” McEvoy. Though he has lost every single fight, he still remains a resilient and passionate participant. (Between rounds he checks his stocks on marketwatch.com)

Stats: 0-150

Signature Move: The Hole-In-One

Emily “The Soul-less Surfer” Fillmore

Joining the fighting force just 2 years ago, Fillmore quickly showed that she was a force to be reckoned with. Using her knowledge of both surfing and history to her advantage, she brings moves never before seen at the Calabasas High School Fight Club.

Stats: 42-18

Signature Move: Gnarly Wave of Fury

Michael “The Calc-you-hater” Fienberg

As the newbie of the bunch, Fienberg exercises his unbeatable wit and calculating abilities to brutally defeat his opponents through mind games. He accredits his extreme fighting skills to his film education at the University of Michigan. He would like to use this moment to tell his students to put away their cell phones.

Stats: 12-4

Signature Move: The Linear Aggression